The Cover Letter I wish I could Send

2:25 and still no sleep, no profound moment, and no Cohen. I heard a creak that sounded like someone getting up, then the groan of the bed as if someone laying down, followed by a big ol’ dog sigh, so I think Amy wins the battle of the cuddly dog tonight, though she has no idea.

So seriously, some sleep would be nice. I mean, I got two days to go before I’m done, two night shifts left! I want some sleep, let alone that I need to be up to do laundry, go for a run, look and apply for jobs, and get to the bank before work. Buuuuuut not much I can do about it. Last night I picked up a dishwashing shifts. Near the end of the night a few of the managers had a bar meeting, and Nikki the manager comes back to me and says, “hey, Carl is the only line cook left tonight and he doesn’t know grill side very well so you may have to help him.” Mind you I’ve never been a cook there. But I said okay. Fast forward an hour and half, and after closing dish and helping Carl the cook a little bit, he turns to me and says, “you know, they should just make you a manager.” Talk about a sign it’s time to move on!

I’ve been thinking lately about what skills might transfer from working in the restaurant business to a more professional job. I’m debating about adding the following to my resume, what do you think?

•  Can carry 3 drinks in one hand and up to 5 drinks total without spilling
•  Mastered the craft of throwing paper coasters like ninja stars
•  Great ability to take criticism from total strangers and then forget it 10 seconds later
•  Can roll 50 pieces of silver in under 20 minutes

I’ve only been thinking this because I’ve finally realized how difficult it is to write an effective cover letter, let alone a standout resume. I mean seriously, maybe L. Woods in Legally Blonde had it right when she gave out a pink, scented resume. Cover letters are impossible though. You try to cram every explosive word you can think of into every sentence, not to mention it has to follow professional guidelines, and through the whole thing you have to prove to whomever is reading it that you are worthy of being interviewed. That’s just downright near impossible. Seriously, if I can tell you all there is you need to know about me in three short paragraphs, I am not worth knowing and have yet to live. It’s almost a joke to even try. Maybe I’ll try writing a reverse resume…sort of a you want me, not I want you kind of thing.

To Whom It May Concern:

The most impressive thing I have done in my life is catching a foul tip off a bat while playing catcher and falling down backwards during a little league baseball game. This is irrelevant to the position I am applying for but still is fairly impressive. While I am interested in this job, if I don’t get hired I’m just going to move on with my life and try again elsewhere. But please feel free to contact me for further information on how I think you can improve the logistical gains on your long-term investments through eradication of fringe profits and equity management.

People often describe me through song titles, most specifically Spose “I’m Awesome”. I have education experience which you can find in my resume. I am positive I can teach anything and I issue a challenge for you to try me on this one good sir or madam. I am a man of faith, deal with it. Your company will not be the most important thing in my life, that position is reserved for my wife and family. Finally, obviously I am going to say I am a good worker/good fit/hard worker/social magnificent human, but you shouldn’t believe me, which is why I intentionally included that list of references for you to call. In closing, what is important is not that I am worthy enough for you, but that your company is worth dedicating my life to. Thank you and I dare you to interview me.

Winner, out!

Andrew N. Winner